After pleading with Al for some years or so, he finally agreed to let me audition for the next Grog slot, under the conditions that I must first survive a series of rigorous physical and psychological trials involving a certain dirty hippie named Charlie, and also start a foundation to get money for some girl with cancer or something who didn't have health insurance and looked like walking death (I mean I know you're sick and all, but you don't have to make everyone else uncomfortable by looking so haggard all the time). Anyway, I completed my tasks quite enthusiastically and earned the title of Groggy Contributor. So here I am, living my dream. I want to be really deep and write about important stuff and change the world by writing about it from my basement, the way those Occupy people are changing the government by sleeping in tents. I want to like all of the trendy music way before it's cool and I want to wear Gap jeans so that everybody knows how hip and trendy I am but I want to get them at a thrift store so I'm not actually trendy. I don't support corporate America or child labor, but I still want to look like I do. So my email is firstname.lastname@example.org and I would be thrilled to hear from anyone who would like to be my friend or enemy. Have a groggy day.